I like to keep things fairly light around here but some days I just can't help but write about some more difficult things that are on my heart.
My mom passed away just over 6 years ago from pancreatic cancer when I was in 3rd year of university. I'm finding as time goes on, her passing gets more and more difficult for me to cope with. Memories are fading, photos are becoming older, and less and less people are talking about her. No one ever told me about this part.
My mom passed away just over 6 years ago from pancreatic cancer when I was in 3rd year of university. I'm finding as time goes on, her passing gets more and more difficult for me to cope with. Memories are fading, photos are becoming older, and less and less people are talking about her. No one ever told me about this part.
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| My favourite picture. |
You see, in the first year or two after her death, photos were still current and I still had memories that were recent. I could reminisce about our last Thanksgiving together, or the last family trip we took, the nights we'd hang out in her room watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy (her favourite shows), the last few shopping trips we went on. Now, it's all becoming a moment of the past.
Don't get me wrong, I know myself, my family and our close friends think about her often. She is not forgotten and never will be. However, time really doesn't heal, in my opinion. It just gives me time to find new ways to cope. New ways to try to wander this life without my mom.
I prepared myself for her death. Everyone kept calling me the rock of the family. Being the only other woman in my immediate family, I was so focused on taking care of the arrangements, making sure my dad and brothers were ok, attempt to cook, continuing to do well in school (which was 6 hours from home!) and that we continued to stand on our feet and get by. As weird as this may sound, but the first year after her death was "easier" for me than it is now as I was so determined to keep things in order, just the way mom wanted. It's all catching up with me and I am far from a rock these days.
However, this is life. I am so blessed to have been able to spend 21 amazing years with my mom and no heartache can ever, ever take that away from me.
Mom left us a journal that she had kept during the last year of her life. In the journal, one of the last things she wrote to us was "Be sad, but carry on. For it would be a waste of my life if you all fell apart." I hang onto that sentence every day for I know how much love she gave to our family.
Sarah, your moms sentence literally has me fighting so hard here at work trying to hold back tears. Wow, that was powerful. Thinking of you! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThat's incredibly sweet that she left a journal and the words she left are extremely powerful. I know I mentioned to you before that, when I was 14, I lost my mom, so in some ways I can understand your pain. For me, the hardest parts are when I start wondering "what if." "What if she was here, how would my life be different?" But, I have to remind myself that I can't do that. Life goes on. Wherever our mothers are now, they're watching us and they want us to be happy. Hold that journal close to you! <3
ReplyDeleteSarah, this is so beautiful. Thank you for writing this post. My husband lost his mom when he was 21 and rarely talks about it so from a personal standpoint, I appreciate a glimpse into what these feelings are like. They were very close and I'm not sure how he copes, but I do know that we still have little things that were hers hiding in drawers (a pasta server, a coffee mug, old t-shirts she bought him) and we keep "her" traditions for the holidays so they have become ours. The journal from your mom sounds like a lovely parting gift. It sounds like you have been the rock long enough - there is no shame in letting someone else take a turn. Hugs, friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss Sarah. I'm sure she's so proud of how well you're doing and how much you've accomplished. I don't think it's something that will ever get easier, but it's something that's made you the stronger woman she wanted you to be.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Sarah! She would be so proud of you and how strong you have become. What a wonderful gift, her leaving behind a journal. It sounds like she was an amazingly smart woman. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteYour Mom sounds like a wonderful woman, I am so sorry for your loss. How awesome was she to have left you a journal with such amazing words.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss, Sarah. I can't imagine how that must still feel, because I'm sure the pain never really goes away. That was so sweet of her to write you all a journal to have a piece of her with you forever. Hugs and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss Sarah. What beautiful things your mom said in her journal, I bet hit helps having those words she left you with. She would probably love reading your blog and be so proud of you! Sending you hugs!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteSarah, my heart aches for you. Thank you for writing this post, it was beautifully written and I'm sure very hard to write. Those words from her journal are so powerful, I'm glad she left them for you. She sounds like an amazing woman and I know she is smiling down at you always. <3
ReplyDeleteSarah, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I can't pretend to know how that feels but I totally understand what you say about being the one who organizes and makes sure nothing falls apart. Your mom's words to you in that journal are profound. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss - it's funny how time doesn't really heal all. Sounds like your mom was a pretty amazing and special woman!!
ReplyDeleteOh girl, I cried just reading this. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to lose someone that close to you. Your Mom sounds like an amazing woman, and it was so good of her to leave those words for you. My prayers are with you, friend!
ReplyDeleteThis post brought tears to my eyes! It was a very sweet and honest post. It makes me think of losing my Granny almost two years ago. I have many of the same concerns that you have - memories fading, etc. I love that you have a journal from your mom. That's so cool. And her quote is spot on. It kind of reminds me what my Granny said to me when I cried and asked what I was going to do without her. She said "Rachie, you're just going to have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it!" Oh yeah, my Granny was a bit of a spitfire :)
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