I like to keep things fairly light around here but some days I just can't help but write about some more difficult things that are on my heart.
My mom passed away just over 6 years ago from pancreatic cancer when I was in 3rd year of university. I'm finding as time goes on, her passing gets more and more difficult for me to cope with. Memories are fading, photos are becoming older, and less and less people are talking about her. No one ever told me about this part.
My mom passed away just over 6 years ago from pancreatic cancer when I was in 3rd year of university. I'm finding as time goes on, her passing gets more and more difficult for me to cope with. Memories are fading, photos are becoming older, and less and less people are talking about her. No one ever told me about this part.
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| My favourite picture. |
You see, in the first year or two after her death, photos were still current and I still had memories that were recent. I could reminisce about our last Thanksgiving together, or the last family trip we took, the nights we'd hang out in her room watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy (her favourite shows), the last few shopping trips we went on. Now, it's all becoming a moment of the past.
Don't get me wrong, I know myself, my family and our close friends think about her often. She is not forgotten and never will be. However, time really doesn't heal, in my opinion. It just gives me time to find new ways to cope. New ways to try to wander this life without my mom.
I prepared myself for her death. Everyone kept calling me the rock of the family. Being the only other woman in my immediate family, I was so focused on taking care of the arrangements, making sure my dad and brothers were ok, attempt to cook, continuing to do well in school (which was 6 hours from home!) and that we continued to stand on our feet and get by. As weird as this may sound, but the first year after her death was "easier" for me than it is now as I was so determined to keep things in order, just the way mom wanted. It's all catching up with me and I am far from a rock these days.
However, this is life. I am so blessed to have been able to spend 21 amazing years with my mom and no heartache can ever, ever take that away from me.
Mom left us a journal that she had kept during the last year of her life. In the journal, one of the last things she wrote to us was "Be sad, but carry on. For it would be a waste of my life if you all fell apart." I hang onto that sentence every day for I know how much love she gave to our family.
